2 January

Miko took me up to one of the Honey Flow owner's house, but they weren't there. He told me to drop in later.. which I thought would be super weird and very uncomfortable. A few days laterI walked over to their house and I was scared! I felt nervous and out of place. I took a minute before actually walking down their driveway, and I realised I was scared of rejection. I think this is something that I've been scared of in various situations. There was a part of me that rather not go down and “intrude” or even see if anyone was home because I was scared! When I realised that, I still didn't really want to go down there, but I did.

There was a man on the phone and his daughter sitting outside. I waved and said “hello”, the father went to give the phone to his wife and introduced myself. I realised I saw them the day before at the Amphi and said so. I told him, Chris, that I am a friend of Miko's and he said he'd introduced me because I was looking for a job and hopefully Honey Flow had some openings. His wife was the one to actually talk to, but he offered me tea and we chatted for a few minutes. Another guy came out, Ryley, who I met Christmas Eve and I said “hey” and all the good stuff. It wasn't actually that awkward after the first two minutes. Summer, the wife, got off the phone and we talked and she was super nice. She just kind of got a feel of who I was and what I was looking for. She isn't the one who does the hiring, so I may not hear back for a few more days.

I probably spent a good 45 minutes at their house and they were so kind and we all talked about TV shows and movies and what not as well. I felt so welcomed, and reassured. Regardless of getting a job, I'm so glad I walked up.

I've avoided so many interactions because I have this fear. The fear comes out in different ways: not wanting to disturb or intrude, wanting to avoid making awkward small talk, feel like I'm wasting my time or their time, and probably countless other mostly unreasonable things. But the underlying or the root to all of those feelings is a fear of being rejected.

I don't know if I know the core reason to this fear. I can say that it's been conditioned and shaped by past relationships... but to be the root cause? I'm not sure. I don't know when I started to feel this way, but it's been a few years to say the least. Was I like this when I was 25? Yes. What about 18? Maybe. Maybe what started out as a genuine “need” to be polite morphed into a real anxiety over the years.

That day I actually recognised what that feeling was, I consciously told myself that I was scared of being rejected. I made an effort to bring it to light, and I guess that's where I'm going to start. If there are other past relationships, events, or even current relationships that are endorsing this anxiety, I hope I can come to realise this. So at least I can look at these “things” with some a sense of knowing and neutrality, accept, and grow.